So who diagnosed you?

The question asked by my doctor in my follow up appointment after a series of spinal and pelvic x-rays. I had been through close to 6 weeks of unending lower back pain and spasms and finally went to my doc for some help. He prescribed Celebrex - a COX-2 anti-inflammatory - and sent me off to the lab for blood work and x-rays.

Two days after the x-rays were done there was a voicemail from his receptionist - the doctor would like to see you to discuss the x-ray results but it's not urgent. What do you think I thought? They found something. And I had to wait a week to see him.

By the time it was Friday morning I was beside myself with anxiety over the results. I had myself convinced this is it, there will be arthritic changes in my spine and my life would change again. Well, I was partially right.

Who diagnosed you?

I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis when I was 27 and shortly after was diagnosed with Ankylosing Spondylitis by several members of the medical profession. I took every anti-inflammatory you can think of since then and was even on a mild immunosuppressant for awhile. I had a brief remission when I underwent surgery for UC - possibly due to the high amounts of steroids I was on.

I made lifestyle decisions and denied myself opportunities because I had been diagnosed with inflammatory arthritis. I dealt with the stigma associated with being a person with a disability because I had been diagnosed with inflammatory arthritis. I spent 18 years building an identity around being a person with inflammatory arthritis.

Friday morning my doctor suggested I had been misdiagnosed. After 18 years there were no arthritic changes in my spinal column. I have not been on any biologics or strong immunosuppressants, so it's not due to any medical regimen. There were no arthritic changes because I don't have inflammatory arthritis. My ESR - sed rate - was 4, normal is below 20.

My doctor was happy - this is good news! We can treat musculoskeletal pain with anti-inflammatories, exercise and Tylenol. It's not degenerative. He tells me musculoskeletal pain is the second most common issue he deals with in his practice, men, women, short, tall, old, young, fat, thin, it's common. And it's good news!

Yes, it is good news and at some point I will get to the good news part. But first I have to rebuild my identity again.

I don't have inflammatory arthritis. I was misdiagnosed.

I will still see a rheumatologist in January but if there have been no arthritic changes by now, there won't be.

Yes, it is good news I don't have inflammatory arthritis. It is not good news that I still live in pain, but now I have to change my thought pattern to - it's not degenerative, I won't "hurt" myself by exercising and pursuing sports and activities.

I have been given the opportunity to redefine myself again, and this time it's as someone who does not have inflammatory arthritis.  I need a new MedicAlert bracelet.

This will take time to get my head around. And I will grieve for those opportunities I denied myself by thinking I couldn't risk it because of spinal arthritis. And then I will be grateful to G-d for giving me a wonderful gift in my final year of university. The world is mine.

Thank you G-d.