Been watching coverage of the Vancouver 2010 Olympic Winter Games. Fortunately it's reading break so time to relax a bit (and hopefully get caught up on...readings).
The AS flare up that I've been fighting now for, oh, forever, goes on and led me back to my doctor's office 10 days ago for pain meds. NSAIDs don't work and Tylenol alone isn't doing a thing so I left his office with a 'script for T3's. The upside? A bit of relief from the pain and an opportunity to start gently getting back into Range of Motion (ROM) exercises and daily walks. The downside? Constant mindnumbing drowsiness caused by the codeine and codeine inspired dreams that wake you up in the middle of the night asking WTF? Some days a gal just can't win.
Where was I again? Oh, yes, the Olympics. Watching ladies snowboarding snow cross racing today. Did I mention I have snowboard boots? Bought a pair a couple of winters ago in hopes of learning how to snowboard. They haven't seen snow yet. Anyways, watching the ladies on the course succumb one after another to the technical course, the jumps, the quality of the snow, and getting back up, dusting themselves off and getting back on course when possible to finish the race. One of the commentators made a comment about "she's using her training in mental toughness." That hit a nerve.
My mental toughness training has been getting a workout lately. It's hard to be in pain all the time. It's hard to stay upbeat and optimistic when you are in pain all the time.
It's hard to listen to pep talks from friends who, while they mean well, may not realize how devastating telling someone with a lifelong incurable disease things they should be doing to feel better. Trust me, it's been tried. Things that don't help the cause don't stay around long. Be a shoulder I can cry on, vent to, ask me what I NEED to help me. Or just be politely quiet and wait for me to ask. Give me advice and I get defensive and then I don't want to mention my pain and stiffness for fear I'll get another round of "well, didn't you try the....?"
It's hard to plan ahead. I'm so close to being done my degree and facing the next step. But how do I take that next step when I'm faced with a medication that will suppress my immune system? I'm living on hopes it will work. And it's dangerous to live on hope because when that hope gets pulled out from under your feet it's devastating.
It's hard to get moving when you limp down the hallway in the morning - one leg shorter than the other because your SI joints are inflamed and your pelvis is shifted. It's hard to walk your 30 minutes when your ribcage spasms won't stop and you have to will your legs to move forward one after the other. Your eyes are focused on the road two steps ahead of you for hazards that may make you fall on your ass because to someone with AS falling on one's ass on an icy road is devastating.
It's hard to wait for that magical time of the day when the morning stiffness wears off. Usually when you've been awake and moving for a few hours. But lately that time of day is shifting later and later towards the evening. That means being mentally tough longer and longer. That is exhausting.
I'm tired.
Mentally tired.
My mental toughness needs a vacation.
