Counting down to the end, part one

The last week of classes is always the hardest. Your brain is done. Done. But there are final papers, lab exams, presentations, problem sets. Did I mention my brain is done?

One item off the list at a time. And time to start looking forward and planning life post-academia.

On the list? SCUBA!! This January I will start the e-learning portion of the PADI open water dive certification. Then off to a dive shop - no easy task when one is landlocked in the middle of the province - and the certification portion. Woot! Altitude diving, National Geographic Diver, ah, it's a long wish list.

Mount Baker!! One of my best friends from high school is planning on an ascent of Mount Baker in July and has invited me along. Will be a great chance to catch up, won't tell you how many years it's been other than to say the last time we chatted in person her son was "knee high to a grasshopper" and now he towers over me. It will also be my first summit, which is exciting for many reasons.

When I was initially diagnosed with UC and then with AS (when they thought it was AS) I remember watching a program about a woman from Calgary who had been diagnosed with a female specific cancer - cervical/ovarian - and a major focus of her recovery was exercise and a summit of Aconcagua. When her cancer was declared in remission she went on her quest to summit Aconcagua and completed her dream. I remember vividly the shot of her on top of that mountain and her speaking to how climbing Aconcagua symbolized her conquering cancer - she had reached that summit. I remember at the time thinking, I've been diagnosed with two incurable diseases, I will never reach that summit. I can climb that mountain, but I will never reach that summit. There will always be a bit of mountain left I cannot conquer.

The day I found out I'd been misdiagnosed I remember waking up at 1:30 in the morning thinking "I can climb Aconcagua! I can make that summit!" Mount Baker could very well be the first of many summits.

BOSS - The Boulder Outdoor Survival School in Boulder, Utah. Yes, Utah. Not Colorado, Utah. My goal at BOSS is the two week primitive living skills course at the end of August. Seven days of intensive hands on training in fire making, hunting, lithics, living alone in the wilderness, walking lightly on this planet. Oh, and no tent, no stove, no matches, no toilet paper, no dehydrated food (unless you count things like lentils), no phone, no GPS, no Gore-Tex, no SPOT, no worries. Solo. Alone. Wilderness. Me. Alone. Three or four days. Alone. Me. Wilderness. Can't wait!

Also looking forward to meeting friends. Planning on spending as much time as possible in Utah exploring, SCUBA diving (yes, in Utah), checking out the incredible landscape, taking photos and getting some Utah sunshine.

But first I must finish this semester and next.

Did I mention it's 60 days until I carry the Olympic flame? Excited!!

See you on the trails,
Barb

Lest we forget

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved, and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders Fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders Fields.
- John McCrae

So who diagnosed you?

The question asked by my doctor in my follow up appointment after a series of spinal and pelvic x-rays. I had been through close to 6 weeks of unending lower back pain and spasms and finally went to my doc for some help. He prescribed Celebrex - a COX-2 anti-inflammatory - and sent me off to the lab for blood work and x-rays.

Two days after the x-rays were done there was a voicemail from his receptionist - the doctor would like to see you to discuss the x-ray results but it's not urgent. What do you think I thought? They found something. And I had to wait a week to see him.

By the time it was Friday morning I was beside myself with anxiety over the results. I had myself convinced this is it, there will be arthritic changes in my spine and my life would change again. Well, I was partially right.

Who diagnosed you?

I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis when I was 27 and shortly after was diagnosed with Ankylosing Spondylitis by several members of the medical profession. I took every anti-inflammatory you can think of since then and was even on a mild immunosuppressant for awhile. I had a brief remission when I underwent surgery for UC - possibly due to the high amounts of steroids I was on.

I made lifestyle decisions and denied myself opportunities because I had been diagnosed with inflammatory arthritis. I dealt with the stigma associated with being a person with a disability because I had been diagnosed with inflammatory arthritis. I spent 18 years building an identity around being a person with inflammatory arthritis.

Friday morning my doctor suggested I had been misdiagnosed. After 18 years there were no arthritic changes in my spinal column. I have not been on any biologics or strong immunosuppressants, so it's not due to any medical regimen. There were no arthritic changes because I don't have inflammatory arthritis. My ESR - sed rate - was 4, normal is below 20.

My doctor was happy - this is good news! We can treat musculoskeletal pain with anti-inflammatories, exercise and Tylenol. It's not degenerative. He tells me musculoskeletal pain is the second most common issue he deals with in his practice, men, women, short, tall, old, young, fat, thin, it's common. And it's good news!

Yes, it is good news and at some point I will get to the good news part. But first I have to rebuild my identity again.

I don't have inflammatory arthritis. I was misdiagnosed.

I will still see a rheumatologist in January but if there have been no arthritic changes by now, there won't be.

Yes, it is good news I don't have inflammatory arthritis. It is not good news that I still live in pain, but now I have to change my thought pattern to - it's not degenerative, I won't "hurt" myself by exercising and pursuing sports and activities.

I have been given the opportunity to redefine myself again, and this time it's as someone who does not have inflammatory arthritis.  I need a new MedicAlert bracelet.

This will take time to get my head around. And I will grieve for those opportunities I denied myself by thinking I couldn't risk it because of spinal arthritis. And then I will be grateful to G-d for giving me a wonderful gift in my final year of university. The world is mine.

Thank you G-d.